I would like to be schooled about this somersaulted tale of sliding up and down the mood graph. Tell me, do you as well, when a sad thing hits you, replay ALL the remorseful small events and turn it to a HUGE siege and let the eyes do the sobbing and heart, its aching?
Or could it be my HCG?
There was literally no need for a show last night. Bint Abdul Latheef kept saying "Qadar Allah", "would be okay!" but I couldn't see the three hunger faces forced to swallow down something they despised. It all went up to questioning my ability to raise up a human being- I mean, does this happen to everybody?
Or is it a girl thingy?
Literally, I'm caught with this disease as long as I remember. At some point, it aids in my better-yourself-honey sentiment yes- there has been much decisions made through this emotional breakdown; not pursuing for masters, choosing to not work in clinics, clearing my friend list, and the demands that I was hunting on in a spouse- would be to name a few. Major decisions indeed, glory to Allah, the Mighty and Majestic. I can't pooh - pooh though at the biological trauma it puts me through- sometimes it could even mean 60*60*60 seconds of wailing. The slideshow begins so elegantly, that I really don't need a "action, cut" to joggle from one memory to another.
Two incidents- I would like to sketch them two here so that next time I strife through this, I can come back to this journal to halt it, Allah willing.
Hostel terrace. Tanthas room. My third year bedside.
Knowing myself and the things that I have done and felt in those rusty four years, I grew conscious of my future plans. I kept wondering if I will ever have a closure. Things were so uncertain back then- it still is - that a moment of retrospection would catch me off guard. I had let myself weep and ask My Rabb for the best. The decisions that I have made before was in His disobedience but already, there were many taken to counter claim them- still, there was this fear, always, what if I of the losers? What if none finds me to be a good woman? What if I end up with a forty some guy, who struts at each mistakes of mine?
What if I die and could never make up to my sins?
Night before Nikkah.
That pretty washroom-me was fagged with worries. In some hours, I will be the companion of a stranger who had tried his level best to keep his social media accounts- blunt. I mean, l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l..y I had no idea of this handsome dude who got floored by the proposal. I had NO IDEA though the experience wasn't mutual. Had even had some of my comments by hearted, gawd!
So there was this me, imaging him to be a ferocious man and me a pauper. Then there was this me raising my voice and the counter being so forgiving. Then there is this me being sloppy in the kitchen and in my pajamas. I mean- the reasons are created as the ranting goes on. Kinda like- collecting the reasons to cry. Blotched, head aching, I had an uneasy sleep. Hours before the event, episode two began.
The night that followed was even worse. I saw him first hand as my own and it so heartbreaking to find all my stupid rants to be a joke. The week that followed were all pink pink, all praise is to Allah, the Lord of the worlds.
To summarize
- You need not have any reasons for having a mood swing.
- Even when you visualize the worst possible outcome, your endings can be beautiful. Visualize the worse so that the happiness can be yours : D
- Never despair in the Mercy of Allah
- Cover up your sins with good deeds.
- You can be selfless at times, but never lose your self esteem. You are capable and is here to fulfill a purpose- strive for that.
- The third point is SO IMPORTANT that I'm quoting it again,
Never depair in the Mercy Of Allah
